Exhumed Face-Melter Tour 2019

Since the gang was all flying back together from South America, Matt thought it would be a good idea to do a few more shows in the U.S. before Exhumed had to all head our separate ways. We didn’t have a new album, but we DID have a new hot sauce! So… let’s promote that!

Don’t read the lyrics to the song, though… not very appetizing!

From Hella Hot Hot Sauce, the same gang that brought the Ghoul hot sauce to life, comes Exhumed’s Forged In Fire Hot Sauce! It’s the gastronomical equivalent of our music, in that it’ll also make you shoot fire out your ass!

We got back in Los Angeles after an all night flight from Brazil and headed back to the HQ in San Luis Obispo. Of course, to celebrate our return to the United States, we did what any sensible American would do… we got Mexican fast food! And this is when I found out that Dr. Philthy has a really weird habit of doing surgery on his burritos.

We had one day off and then our first show of the tour in San Luis Obispo, approximately one half mile away from our jam space at a gastro-pub called the Graduate. The stage was essentially a bunch of tables put together, but they rented a nice sound system and people actually came out in this sleepy little central coast town. Put on by the folks at Hails Yourself ‘zine, the night was a rousing success with lots of friends coming out and killer opening bands.

We had to drive all night to our next stop in Phoenix, Arizona, the venerable Club Red. By “we,” I mean Dylan, who is an actual robot who can drive forever. We got to the show, sound checked, and then me and Matt ditched to the local cinema to go see Avengers: Endgame. We grew up in the same town reading comics together as teens, played music together, had our differences, and then came back together as friends to slay some mother fuckers. So we’re pretty much Captain America and Iron Man. I’m pretty sure I’m Captain America, though, because I have America’s ass.

The movie was great, the show was great, and the amazing food truck outside the venue, Red Owl Burgers + Brews, did a special sandwich utilizing our own hot sauce. It was meat, but I heard it was terrific. I enjoyed the sauce they concocted on some french fries all the same.

We next headed to L.A. to the ironically named Five Star Bar. Ironic, because I would give it, like, 1.5 stars. It’s a small place and our show quickly sold out.

Apparently, there was a bigger room attached that they were no longer able to use due to the landlord getting grief about a Horna show that had to be moved due to antifa protests. Before you get mad at antifa, though, how about getting mad at a lame landlord. Or maybe national socalism? Anyway, it didn’t matter, the show was rad. My main complaint was not being able to get to a restroom and having to go down a full city block to piss in a parking lot. But getting to piss on a rich ass SUV is cool, so it evens out.

We then headed to my home of Oakland for a show at Eli’s Mile High Club. There was supposed to be a signature Exhumed hot sauce dish available, but due to miscommunication and a lost package, it didn’t happen. Instead we just set out hot sauce around strategically for people to burn their tongues on. This was another great night for openers with our old friends in Necrot crushing all while a packed house went nuts.

One guy, however, went a little too nuts. This dipshit decided to roll around in the moshpit with his skateboard in hand. Now, he wasn’t hitting people with it… not intentionally, but you know, people were getting mashed by trucks and deck as he spun around and swung into people. Eventually, some of the tigers got fed up and forced him out. I kept my eye on the situation, and when the mother fucker came back, I stopped mid-song, and as the band played, I grabbed him by the collar, took him out of the pit, and gave him quite a scolding. He yelled back, but I think once he saw I was an actual band member yelling at him, he knew to give it a rest. He did not return.

It’s a pit, not a fight. Mind your manners and be respectful to your fellows.

We drove all night again (thanks, Dylan!) and ended up in Portland, every dork’s home away from home. We had a nice meet-n-eat at Sizzle Pie, the Relapse Records adjacent pizza place of PDX. They did up a special pie using our hot sauce and it was delicious. Kyle, the proprietor of Hella Hot Hot Sauce also joined us on the trip and was selling his many wares. The man makes good fucking hot sauce.

Free beer n pizza is like, the best beer n pizza.

After pizza, we headed over to Movie Madness movie rental palace. I wanted to get some band pix before Baz headed back east to tour with Noisem and this seemed like a good locale. I put the word out on Facebook and an old friend who worked as inventory manager hit me up and let me know shit was on.

In addition to letting us look around and take photos, they gave us shirts and beers for, like, I dunno, promotional consideration? The place is rad. There’s lots of movie memorabilia around, hard to find VHS tapes for rent, and a bunch of real costumes. I got to see an actual xenomorph head from Aliens!

Kinda hard to see… definitely a bug hunt.

We eventually headed back to the club and had our show. It was great, fucking PDX always turns out and the show was ripping. A nice send off, as our next show together probably won’t be until October or November after the new record is out!

In the meantime, we got this hot sauce to promote, I guess. And I got my art to promote, because I drew the ding-dong dang label! It’s not really worth it’s own post, so to end this tour journal, here’s a process sequence of the art being drawn using Procreate for iPad.

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