Month: March 2005

From the SF Weekly 03.16.2005
Nine Nuggets for Becoming More Metal
By Ross Sewage

Hello true believers. My name is Ross Sewage, and I play bass guitar in Impaled and Ludicra, two bands that are more metal than tungsten. I’ve been asked by the poser staff at SF Weekly to provide some advice on how you, the poserish white-belt-wearing readership of this decidedly nonmetal rag, might at least appear more metal. Here are nine of my top tips, because nine is an evil number according to The Satanic Bible. Well, that, and 666 tips are just way too many to write — I’ve got headbangin’ to do, damn it!

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Many apologies to DJ Annabelle at KALX who was cool enough to let Rush Limbaugh take over a guest slot she had and interview Impaled. I’m a bad, bad, person. I callously forgot to mention her in my last blog. I’m going to flagellate myself extra hard in my regular session of masochistic punishment. Tonus from KUSF also let us go on Rampage Radio to plug our show. Don’t wanna forget another DJ.


On Tuesday, the Pound said we could almost assuredly have our show with Engorged and Lord Gore there. Then they never returned my calls. Then they actually hung up on me Saturday night. Sorry, kids, they don’t give a crap if you wanna see some good bands. No matter that we’ve done tons of shows there and brough them good money when we were called on to fill a gap. Looks like I have to find a 21 and over bar to put the show on at and apologize profusely to the bands that everyone in the Bay Area sucks a big fat cock. 


Our shirts are supposed to be done in time for the CD release show, but I just saw a design of them that differed greatly from the one I provided. I don’t know why, but they thought the shirts would be better if they looked like crap. I’m laying big bucks on this, so they too can eat dick. Back to the drawing board, you idiots. 


For all the promo and preparation I’ve done for this show, I’m already convinced it will be a bust. To all my friends who are not going… stop giving me excuses about jobs, or about dogs, or about anything… if you don’t like death metal, or we just don’t have a flavor of the month coke head to latch onto, I don’t care. I just don’t want to hear lame excuses. I’m being overly sensitive because this CD was so much god damned work, and I already know none of my friends will like it because it’s not Ludicra or “ironic.” Just don’t go. No excuses. I’ll see you later at some other cooler show. 


Saturday show… Countdown to Extinction was awesome. America’s Dirty Thirties was pretty good… Scurvy Dogs tore it up. Looking around at all those drunk punks… I could tell the system was really in trouble. Look out, Wall Street, there’s a warehouse of drunk punks that don’t like YOU! It’s awesome that Scurvy Dogs scheduled a show four days before they’re playing with us. And Desolation scheduled a show for the day after. That was sarcasm. I guess I should feel blessed anyone will deal with us after our own label said no one “takes us seriously.” Jeez… a couple days off the sauce and I get bitchy.

I don’t know who’s catching our genius. Last night, Rush Limbaugh interviewed us on KALX… he called us liberal hippies a lot and said we hated the troops. He might have been right. 


Tonight, we were surprised to spend not just 15 minutes, but the entire 3 hours on Billy Steele’s Metal Zone on 107.7 the Bone. He was super cool, and we were stupid and doofy. I can’t believe people don’t take Impaled seriously. 


But seriously… if you haven’t heard about the Impaled CD release show (Wed March 9th Elbo Room, SF) by now, with our coverage in the East Bay Express, on multiple radio shows… you just plain suck. I already know we’re going to have like 20 people at our big CD release show, and I seriously wonder why the hell we try so hard. Oh yeah… it’s out of spite. Screw you all… we’re not quitting until you’ve all died from annoyance. EAT ME! 


Oh yeah… here’s the bit I came up with (with a little help from my friends) after listening to a promo for the HORRIBLE Blue Collar Comedy Tour while on the Bone… You know you’re a metal head when you listen to songs about viking heroes while shipping porn at a warehouse. You know you’re a metal head when your hair is longer than your sister’s. You know you’re a metal head when you pick up your girlfriend from High School… and you’re 36. You know you’re a metal head when you refer to your landlord as either “mom” or “dad.” You know you’re a metal head when an apple a day means a fresh bong every morning. You know you’re a metal head when… okay, here I had some thing kissing Billy Steel’s ass… but here’s a new one… You know you’re a metal head when your Friday night is spent blogging some crap about your unpopular band on a website where your highlight is a “brutal” comment from some 16 year old hessian. Cheers, baby! 


I’m going to continue getting drunk and cursing life.