Nine Nuggets for Becoming More Metal

From the SF Weekly 03.16.2005
Nine Nuggets for Becoming More Metal
By Ross Sewage


Hello true believers. My name is Ross Sewage, and I play bass guitar in Impaled and Ludicra, two bands that are more metal than tungsten. I’ve been asked by the poser staff at SF Weekly to provide some advice on how you, the poserish white-belt-wearing readership of this decidedly nonmetal rag, might at least appear more metal. Here are nine of my top tips, because nine is an evil number according to The Satanic Bible. Well, that, and 666 tips are just way too many to write — I’ve got headbangin’ to do, damn it!

No. 1: There’s a fine line between metalhead and leather daddy. Never don a leather cap along with your studded armbands.

No. 2: If you can’t name the first Slayer album or a member of Venom, a studded belt will not make you metal; it makes you stupid.

No. 3: Never wear eyeliner. A face full of panda-style greasepaint, however, is A-OK.

No. 4: Be sure to use the words “gay” and “faggot” to describe things or people unfavorable to you, even though you totally look gay, you faggot.

No. 5: Pointy guitars are a must. This is sure to make up for your alcohol-induced impotence.

No. 6: If someone brings up a metal band you’ve never heard of, just say that band sucked after its first demo. Note to hipsters and white-belts: This works for you, too.

No. 7: Guys: If you’re in your 30s, date someone in college. If you’re in your 20s, date someone in high school. If you are 10, date a fetus.

No. 8: Girls: Date me. Hell, yeah.

No. 9: Let all your frustration and anger surface. Focus on things that matter, and feel the need to change the world. Become impassioned, confident, and realize your limitless potential. Now … grab some beers and drink away all that hogwash. You are metal.

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