Fuckin Up!

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I have some kind of weird-o workaholic ADD complex that they don’t make a pill for. That’s probably for the best, because I’m sure that pill would have unreported heart-attack side effects. In any case, I keep myself busy, too busy, to keep from ever getting bored, but then I screw over my friends and don’t get much done anyway. I wish I was on some government stipend, and didn’t have to work, but I’m sure I’d manage to overfill that time, too.

Friday and Saturday morning, I tweaked (not literally, though I had wayyyy too much coffee) on some Impaled songs I’d been working on. Sean redid one of my new songs, and raised the bar, so I really felt like I needed to get my musical shit together. I did, but I’d also forgotten about a practice (which ended up being cancelled) and was nearly late for the next event…

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Preserving your sister’s placenta

Doktor Ross Sewage7 Comments

Well, after I my sister gave birth, she granted me the request of taking her placenta. I was determined to lovingly preserve this miraculous organ. I took it and met up with a friend at a bar. The placenta earned me a free beer. We refrigerated the placenta and I diligently tried to learn how to preserve it. My bandmate Aesop, from Ludicra, had done this before, though rather crudely. I intended to do the best job I could. The internet and phone calls to some strange shops were my main source of information. It took some time, but I eventually pieced together the best way for a layperson to engage in specimen preservation. So others don’t have the difficulty I did, I now present this fully illustrated article on how to preserve your sister’s placenta.


1. Gather the following… a specimen jar, latex gloves, petroleum jelly, some music, five bottles of Everclear grain alcohol (at least 75 ure), and your sister’s placenta.


2. Put on your favorite CD, which is of course Impaled’s Death After Life.


3. Drink some beer.


4. Get your gloves on. This may be your sister, but it’s still… Medical Waste.


5. Dump the Everclear into the specimen jar. You see, in the absence of formalin, which you need a license to get, pure grain alcohol is the best preservative available. Any preservative should be around 70 ure grain alcohol, and Everclear is 75àEasy, peasy, nice and squeezy.


6. Drink some Everclear.


7. Open up the placenta container. Hopefully, the hospital gives you a nice container, instead of a lasagna tray.


8. Dump out the blood. Don’t think about where it came from.


9. Remove the placenta from the container.


10. Wash off the excess blood clots and goop. Be careful, this is just a thin membrane… and don’t lose that umbilical cord down the sink!


11. Carefully place the placenta in the specimen jar.


12. Sweet!


13. Rub petroleum jelly around the lid of the jar. This will act as a sealant for the lid so the alcohol doesn’t evaporate.


14. Cool! You’ve got a piece of a human in a jar. At this point you could call your sister and thank her.


15. Finally… be sure to keep it away from your dog.


I hope this helps anyone who is looking to preserve their sister’s placenta, though these basic directions can be used to preserve any number of things, like mice, octopi, pig hearts… whatever your sick, little heart fancies! Happy bottling.

bass

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Q: Why is the bassist always out on the porch?
A: Because he never knows when to come in.
When Ludicra was on the road, our drummer, Aesop, was talking about how we’re the Eagles of black metal (no pun intended). He talked about how John was Glenn Fry, he was Don Henley, Christy was Joe Walsh, Laurie was someone, and I was Randy Meisner, the kicked out bassist who was the only one to NOT have a successful solo career.

Flash to today, and I’m listening to Air America’s Morning Sedition radio show. They are interviewing a filmaker about his documetary on Arthur Kane, former bassist of the New York Dolls, and his obscure existence as Mormon just wishing for the band to reform.

Let’s think about this for a moment, you know, being a bassist. What’s the guy who got the boot from Queens of the Stone Age doing now? How about Krist Novaselik from Nirvana? The Rolling Stones keep rolling without Bill Wyman. The Doors didn’t even need a real bassist. Whatever happened to Blacky from Voivod? Jason Newstead used to get his mattress pissed on and has since faded into obscurity post-Metallica.

Speaking of Metallica, there’s the string of dead bassists. Cliff Burton is of course well known for being dead. Thin Lizzy’s Phil Lynott died under tragic circumstances. Sid Vicious was a fucking mess waiting to die. There’s been plenty of underground bassists in more recent years, myself included, who have been the major victims in band-related auto-accidents.

The revolving door… that’s the bassists position. How many bands stop playing after they kick out their bassist?

I know, there’s a FEW bass success stories. Tom Angelripper and Les Claypool come to mind. Les Claypool, however, is a victim of his own annoyingness and WAY too many strings on his bass. Paul McCartney doesn’t count… he was a guitarist in disguise. And Gene Simmons? Gimme a break… he’s not a bassist, he’s a salesman. His “signature” song God of Thunder was written by Paul Stanley, anyway.

So yeah, the lot of the bassist kinda stinks. It’s a four-string curse.
Q: What is a bassist’s best form of birth control?
A: His personality. 

All that having been said, this is the email I just got…To: ross the boss mcsalad toss….
Message: u make people want to play bass.thank you. 

That’s cool. Misery loves company, anyway.

Ludicra “tour”

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Yes, tour in quotes, as Ludicra doesn’t really play that many shows. This little jaunt has only lasted four days. San Francisco went really well, like, really really well… apart from the drum monitor catching fire and me having to save Aesop’s life by dousing the fire with my bottled water. Yes, bottled water… go to hell, I’m no yuppy. We played with Keen of the Crow (ex-Morgion), Aldebaran (members of Splatterhouse) and Grey (ex-Baba Yaga) and had an awesome time.


In L.A., we played with Intronaut, Leon del Muerte’s band, which was cool as hell. I hadn’t seen them live yet and enjoyed them immensely. Well… I enjoyed everything but Leon’s farts. Those brought back memories, but not good ones. We had some technical difficulties, but being only our second LA show in 5 years, it went pretty well.

Then we played Phoenix, AZ. That show was at Metal Devastation 2, and was a lot of fun. The major bummer of the evening was finding out that some metal-core straight edge kids had been involved in a stabbing the night before, beat up the owner of the all ages venue, and spit on his daughter. Fucking idiots. You shouldn’t shit in your own backyard, assholes. The venue was maybe going to close down, but now they’ll just not be having punk or metalcore shows. Good. Stew in your own shit and enjoy the nights you have nothing left to do except be pissed off not drinking beer and eventually becoming giant meth-heads.

Jesus Christ, I fucked my hand up but good beating the hell out of my bass during our set. Like… bleeding bad.

We went to a bar later that evening with all the bands. I couldn’t get a god damned beer to save my life, so I gave up and headed over to karaoke. After a rousing rendition of “King of the Road” everybody seemed to start having a damn good time. Christy sang “Heartbreaker,” I followed up with “The Humpty Dance” and the whole damn place was in an uproar. I found out, according to Aesop, that apparently I can break dance pretty well. I had no idea, really. Well, it was a crap load of fun.

Today we played a house party in Flagstaff, AZ. There was a crap load of people loaded in a 15×15 room rocking out and even crowd surfing. We played over our set, until the cops showed up. Oh well. But man, what fun… and yeesh, punks can cook some amazing food.
Right, and they also have wireless. Punks have wireless connections, and metal heads have… more beer? Fuck all this shit though, I’m drunk and going to bed. I got a 13-14 hour drive ahead of me and then straight back to work. Bleah.

fire

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I just got home from the Impaled tour and I’m out for a few days with Ludicra.

I don’t want to come home. At least… rather, I don’t want to go back to work and watch porn.

Some incredible stuff has / is / will be happening.

At the Ludicra show tonight, Aesop’s drum monitor caught fire. Quite literally, flames began leaping from the speaker. Aesop kinda stood there and I threw my bass down and threw water into it and put out the fire. I’m a god damned fucking hero. Look for my name in the paper tomorrow. The headline will read “Great White Again? Nope, Thanks to Great Ross!”

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vmjVbZRle0]

fart knockers

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Houston went a-okay, pretty much. Some fight broke out during Disgorge because this kid moshed into a girl… keep in mind, this girl was throwing elbows and had just knocked over Billy from Blessing the Hogs. But her thuggish compatriots decided her violence in the pit should be greeted by flowers and pastries. Ridiculous… the whole thing interrupted what was a killer vibe.

Here’s a tip… don’t wanna get hit at a show? Don’t pit.

Anyway, our set went well, we had a great time. Damn… we’ve been having a lot of great times.
San Antonio was cancelled, which ended up okay, as we went to see our friend Jamie (ex-Hammers of Misfortune) and Brian (ex-Garuda) who are living on a killer ranch outside of Dallas. I’m totally stoked for them, and can’t wait to meet the little bean that’s gonna come out of her belly.

Today we played the Oklahoma metal fest, which was a lot of fun. Our old friend Tara was their with her boy, (Brian also, go figure) and we had a really good time hanging out and eventually playing. Us, headlining a fest? Ridiculous, but it seemed to go well.

Oklahoma has some dumb laws. Like… I went to get beer. I could buy normal beer, but only warm. Cold beer is all 3.1 percent alcohol or lower. Now here’s the thing… they liquor store sold me the warm beer, and then chilled it in a super freezing water cooler. Apparently, that’s legal, so I left with cold beer anyway!!??! What the hell was the point of that? And as if some alcoholic is not going to drink warm beer. Hell, they’ll drink windowpane if it gets ’em drunk!

Stupid bible belt. Isn’t this the state that elected a senator who said abortion doctors should all get the death penalty? Crap… I’m afraid to admit half my family comes from here. Weird.

From on the road

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Crap. My S is broken. on of a bitch. thi uck.


Well, anyway, last night was shaping up to be a disaster in Austin. It was the first club we played on our first tour ever, and we reminiced about how drunk and horrible we played and puked all over the place. Let’s do it again, boys!

It was looking very bad. Blessing the Hogs hadn’t shown up and the local cancelled, and their was two people in attendance.

We pushed things back, and a lot more people showed up. Well, not a lot, but a crowd whose enthusiasm would fill the place up. I mean, we didn’t think we could pack a 900 capacity club anyway, so these kids were a treat. We rocked out, had a great show to a great response. From then on, it was nothing but people buying us shots, buying tee shirts, and when we thought we would have no place to stay the night, all of a sudden we had offers coming out our ears.

We ended up staying at our friend Walker’s place, with whom we stayed with years ago. Blessing the Hogs came to hang out with us. There was no beer left to be had, so Walker’s wonderful notion? Let’s go to a titty bar. YAY!!!

At least I was enthusiastic… I had just had to pass up the chance to go hang out with two beautiful women who wanted to kidnap me for drinking so I could load equipment. The one told me to leave it to my bandmates. Sorry, bros before hoes! Instead, I got some beers later at the titty bar and asked a lovely little lady for a lapdance. Typically for me, we ended up talking about bass guitar and Japanese vending machines instead of just letting her get to it.

When she finally started dancing, I asked her “Are you Scottish or Irish?” And she says “Irish, why?” “I noticed the freckles on your shoulders…” I reply, to which she says “You’re looking at my shoulders?” Wow, I felt dumb. Sweet!