job announcement

“If you really want to hurt your parents and don’t want to be gay, go into the arts.” – Kurt Vonnegut

Wanted! Unmotivated alcoholics for apathy and debasement

Are you ready for a life of thankless poverty? Do you imbibe various chemicals as a way to offset your constant depression and / or ennui? Do you want to tell people of a like mind about your woes in verse or through pictures? Then we may have a position for you!

You could be an Artist!

You too could join the growing workforce that never gets paid. You too could spend a lifetime of evenings stuck in smokey bars and coffee shops. You too could work with other unmotivated, careless, and self-serving jerks. You too could slave away for a second employer in the day that sucks the very blood from your veins and refuses to recognize your genius and value in the shipping department.

Sounds exciting, doesn’t it?

Be all that you shouldn’t be… in a dirty tee shirt and second hand jeans. Live up to your lowest expectations. Bitch about it. Never before have few opportunities like this arisen and held such dismally low promise.

Qualified applicants must have:
pitiful family denouement
sense of self-pity
ability to aggrandize melancholy
obnoxious egotism
victim complex
messianic complex
bi-polar manic depression
ability to vehemently slander online
myspace account
Drug addiction is voluntary, but definitely encouraged.

Marginal talents necessary in one of the following:
Actually, talent is discouraged. Just make some shit up

We offer a competitive package that includes health decay plan, salary garnishing, and at least 8 failed relationships.

This is a full-time job… in addition to your other — Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job — Please, no phone calls about this job!no — Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial — Reposting this message elsewhere is NOT OK.

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