April 23

You know, being a pessimist and a cynic, I actually love being proven wrong. Hope for the best, but I always expect the worst. 


The show in Austria was smashing. I mean, not like the end all be all, but I was fully expectant it should suck. Apparently, no one else in Impaled realized that it was starting at 7. I had to run to the bus and wake up Jason. “Jason, we’re on in 9 minutes!!” He was none too pleased. 

We went on and there were three people in a room built for hundreds. At some point we got a good sense of humor about it. Sean said, “Are you two and you ready to ROCK?!?!” They replied in the affirmative. As soon as the intro started, though, the room filled up! Some kids were singing the lyrics, there was a row of headbangers, and it just went really, really well. For an opener, anyway, on at 7 on a Saturday. 

Eventually, we cleaned up, and headed out to mingle. We ended up hooking up with a group of Austrians who bought me and Sean beers and we talked about how good Impaled was. Yeah, fuck you. It felt good! 

Eventually, all the band wanted to head out, so Impaled hit the streets with a group of crazy Austrians. First, we saw them roll the fattest joint I’d ever seen. Too bad none of us smoked, because I bet if we liked it, it would’ve ruled. It laid one of them out so hard, he couldn’t talk for the rest of the evening. I got it in me to go back to the lounge in the middle of the river, so we headed there and got probably way too expensive drinks. I’ll never know for sure, because they wouldn’t let us pay. After that, they took us to pizza. Well, me, because the other guys took off to the club. But I had a good time eating Turkish pizza with corn on it with some drunk Austrians. Yes, they put corn on the pizza out here. It’s not so bad. It was fun slamming on Arnold Schwarzenegger. Except for Commando. That movie is the shit. 

The next day, we headed to Slovakia. I had a weird exchange with a bathroom attendant at a gas station. This isn’t so much as funny as it is informative. See, here, the gas station bathrooms are actually nice. This is because there is a guy or girl waiting there to get a tip who cleans the bathroom all day. Seems weird, but try shitting in a U.S. bathroom and you’ll see the benefits. Anyway, I bought a coffee, so I could have change to pay him. I threw a Euro in, and he slammed the door in my face. I was like, “WTF?” Seems he didn’t want me bringing my coffee in! Why not? I just gave you a fat Euro. Well, he watched the coffee, and I wanted my Euro back. When I left, he stopped me, and gave me money back. Apparently, I’d tipped too much. Who gives money back when someone tips to much? I guess he was nice after all. That, or a weird old guy who hangs out by bathrooms. Maybe he was both. 

Finally, we got to Slovakia, and it was fun watching our bus driver drive a single lane country road at high speed like a maniac. Fun because I like watching the other people be uncomfortable. More fun was to be had by me and Reno having weird conversations with him asking about shoving things up our asses, him lighting his farts on me and him asking about transsexual blowjobs. No one was happy. Except me. Because no one was happy. Awkwardness is fun! 

The venue was nice. And I was delighted by the presence of Branik! I had this Czech beer once before on tour here, and it amazed me. It’s not so amazing now, maybe because the fridge in the band room doesn’t work. Yay, warm beer. 

Erland from Vile, Sean, and I took off to see what this shit hole of a town held for us. Turns out, we’re just in a shitty part, and it has a beautiful city center. Not only that, but it holds a race of super models who make you want to gouge out your eyes for fear of never seeing such beauty again. It’s seriously insane. I asked our tour manager why he would torture us so by bringing us here, and he replied that he is convinced the Bosnian / Serb war was started over Slavic girls. I believe him. 

We climbed up a mountain towards this cool looking church / fortress, and ended up in someone’s apartment backyard. The three of us had to climb out on a rickety fence to some very odd stares. We sat in a park and had a good time imitating other people on the tour. Yes, we’re assholes. 

The show was fucking awesome. I don’t know what came over us, but we just got goofy. Maybe it’s tour fatigue, or maybe we’re just hitting our stride. The crowd seemed to eat it up, but my experience is Slavic crowds eat up anything loud and fast. It didn’t matter, we had a great time. 

In some ways, this was the end of the tour. I think just about everyone had a shot or three of Absinth (the real kind, with the neuro-toxin) and people got goofy. I saw Colin from Vile get REALLY drunk for the first time and made him drink from random beers people had left behind. At some point, we had a hairy leg contest, and I think I won when I pulled out my feet and everyone saw I could have been Bilbo Baggins body double. Just to push my luck, I showed how I could dred my toe hair AND shove my toe in my mouth while sitting the damp floor. I’m sure there’s some great photos of that somewhere. Brovar started playing violent frisbee with the leftover drum heads, and Mike from Vile put on a quite a show fucking the shit out of a lightpost. He literally broke it. I’d hate to see what he would do to a nice girl instead of a hunk of metal. 

Everyone is talking about being ready to go home. I’m not ready to go back. I miss people, but I don’t miss things. I told Sean, I could do thirty more days, easy. Maybe on a different tour, if you catch my drift. Despite headaches, this rules. Yay, touring.

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