Leslie Nielson

So we stopped by this label / record distro. We went inside and there was this Japanese band on tour. Aesop introduced me to their tour manager, who was European but of Japanese descent. He was telling me how proud he was of being able to bring over this super great band. I wasn’t a super fan, but I was trying to tell him some stuff I liked about the band and he walked away as I was talking to tell someone else how super great they were. Then he came back, and I would try to talk again, and he would walk away. It was super annoying. I looked into the conference room and everyone from Ludicra was meeting this Japanese band and the manager guy went in and was telling everyone how super great they were, and they all said he was super great. I couldn’t take the ass rimming anymore so I went outside to wait by the van. Eventually, John, Christy, and Laurie came out and we were just waiting for Aesop. The record distro turned their lights off and started up a showing of the first Godzilla movie super loud with explosions and all that going on. At the same time, the school kids at the High School next door started banging aluminum baseball bats against metal picnic tables. The cacophony was driving me crazy when Aesop appeared around the side of the record distro wearing a giant novelty size polo helmet and carrying a giant polo stick. He said he was going to go with the other band, and I kept trying to yell over the din of the Godzilla movie and the baseball bats about how we were going to meet up, because I didn’t think we had a show with the Japanese bands. I got frustrated and gave up asking and went around the side of the van, while Christy and Aesop played swords with the oversize polo sticks. Aesop finally came to the other side of the van and yelled through the windows about having to pick up his kid Ezra because he’d been hit by an arrow, or that’s what I thought he said. I got frantic, asking how we’d fly him home early, why was Ezra alone and not picked up, was he currently bleeding or at a hospital… Another guy who looked like the guy who hates mustard on the CKY videos stood next to Aesop and was trying to yell I didn’t understand. Finally, the Godzilla movie ended and the kids stopped with the aluminum bats and I could hear that Ezra was fine, he’d found an arrowhead in his salad, and Aesop just had to pick him up from school everyday after tour. Okay, cool, so we just leaned up against the wall of the distro building and were chatting when the school kids came up in unison and started peeing on the wall. One guy drifted and started pissing on Aesop’s friend so I smacked him in the head and chased him away. The kids all started pissing on each other laughing and I had just fucking had it. I yelled that this had to be the worst fucking town on the planet, and turned to see Leslie Nielson. “Tell me a about it,” he said, “I have to teach here. It’s been messed up ever since the nuclear meltdown.”

About then I woke up confused in a rest stop we were at on the way to Denmark. I stumbled out of the van to find Aesop and hit him and told him what a jerk he was.

I also told him about Ezra, and now he’s worried because Ezra is going to camp soon. He’s going to tell him to avoid the salad.

Doktor Ross Sewage
dispatched from Die Struwwelpetra Ludicra 2011 European Tour

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