Thank GOD I already got my photo with a koala on our trip to Australia three years ago, because apparently they don’t allow that shit no more. I hate to imagine what the dumb fucker did to a koala to have them completely ban the practice of paying to hold nature’s stupidest and most cutest creation. In any case, we were going to have fun, because those cunts down under are always fun. And we would be joined by Gabe “Black Seebs of Vengeance” Seeber on the skins.
I didn’t really know Gabe before this trip, but I’m glad he could fill in because he’s a solid ass player and a very fucking nice guy to hang out with. Speaking of nice guys to hang out with, how about this cunt?
We were greeted at the airport by our old friend and runner-up for the Hottest Silver Fox of Australia 2025, Mr. Anthony Blaney of Your Mate Bookings. He brought us to land down undah before and I guess we didn’t fuck up too bad because he brought us back. But before we hit Oz, we landed in another land of magic and wonder, New Zealand. We had a wonderful Turkish dining experience with the boys of Anoxia and then a great night drinking our fill at a cool pub filled with comic book shit.
Before we even played our first show in New Zealand, we headed straight to Hobbiton just outside of Auckland. The first time I worked with Anthony I said I needed to hug a koala and he made it happen. The second time, I asked for this, and he delivered us there. We didn’t even have to march there, he had eagles ready for us and everything.
Luckily we had party business, so we were admitted to the Shire by the friendly folks working there. Seriously, if you ever can, get there. It’s so fucking cool.
The joy of walking around a Hobbit hole cannot be overstated. And then we had pies and drinks at the Green Dragon. Even more than drinking, it was a real bonding moment with Anoxia. These lads can hang.
Alas, we did actually need to play a show to justify the long plane ride over, so we headed to the Whammy in Auckland. Now that we were out of the shire, we go to experience city life in New Zealand. I really, really like New Zealand. The people are cool as shit, the vibe is chill, and like… it’s just really, really nice. And the show was a real ripper, despite having to add a fifth member to the band, Poley McPole.
And New Zealand is… different. I live in a supposed melting pot, but we all know that’s bullshit. Years and years of systemic racism by colonizers has made different cultures and POC in America have to struggle and fight to have their identities recognized. I’m sure I’m speaking a bit naively here, as a visitor, but the integration of Maori culture into New Zealand’s identity feels a lot more equitable than say Native Americans in the U.S., First Nations in Canada, or Aboriginals in Australia.
After we played our set in Auckland, while shaking hands and slapping high fives, a girl grabs me. She says something like “I’m Maori… I want to share something with you, is that okay?” I say sure, what is it? She grabs me by the head and quickly instructs me about the HĀ, the breath of life, and shares the hongi with me: a tradition of pressing foreheads and noses together to share breath. I can’t express in words adequately what a special moment that was. I felt very welcomed and very grateful.
We flew out of Auckland and headed to Wellington. I’d received a message on Instagram from a fella who wanted to invite us to his place of work for a visit. His place of work? The mother fucking WETA workshop. JFC, New Zealand was not pulling punches in terms of cool shit to see.
Jack Binding turned out to be a listener of Exhumed and thought we would enjoy seeing where orcs and goblins get their armor from. Jack also plays in a fun band full of fantasy and blood called Jörmungandr. The whole staff was fucking amazing and fun to talk to. I got into mold-making talk I had to be pulled away from. We talked color-modeling with fucking Sir Richard Taylor!! We saw orc armor and witch robots and Feebles and the god damn zombie baby from Braindead! Alas, I can show you none of it, because we were asked not to take photos. The one exception was in the sword room, so here’s me holding Vigo Mortensen’s actual sword he used as Aragorn:
The epicness.
In Wellington, we played a club called Valhalla which was about as far from any kind of heaven as one could imagine. It was an awesome punk club, packed to the gills, and its dirty walls and dingy toilets certainly had stories to tell… just not any epic poems about warriors, I imagine.
Okay, like, this is just the dumb shit lying around at the Auckland airport. Smaug’s head. A Tardis. New Zealand is just cool af and fun as hell. We left the land of kiwis and headed to the rarely-part-of-a-tour city of Perth in western Australia.
We paid our respects to Perth’s favorite son, Mr. Bon Scott. We also walked the beach a bit, saw a cannonball demonstration, had lunch… and my shoelaces broke. This might sound trivial, but it became a running gag because NO ONE IN PERTH SELLS SHOELACES!! Pharmacies, dime shops, even shoe stores… no one had laces for my kicks. I’m just saying, that’s insane.
Anthony situated us in an AirBNB that became home for like four days. I don’t know why we had to spend THAT much time in Perth, a fine city by its own right, but like… yeah. It was a long time. We were there to play the Perth Death Fest and that went swimmingly. But all that time in that house… it was a lot. Luckily I used the time well to get cracking on a couple music videos for RPM Records and the Hasbro toy company, something I’ll get on about in a future post.
We had a good time hanging with the Your Mate Booking crew in western Australia, but it was time to fly out for the main leg of the tour in eastern Australia. And another plane ride. So, so many plane rides on this trip.
This is where we got to know the fellas in Ashen, who were also a fantastic group of boys we would be sharing motels and vans with for the next few days. We had a great show in Adelaide, a pretty sad show in Brisbane if I’m being honest here, and then a super fun jammer at Singing Bird Studios in Frankston. The highlight in Frankston for me was the band Spew Balloon, which was equal parts stand-up comedy and heavy grinding riffs.
Another highlight for me was organizing a whole party to see the Masters of the Universe movie in Melbourne. Sure, I wanted to see the movie, but the last time we were in Australia I’d been able to organize the bands to go see the Barbie movie, so now it’s a heavy Mattel tradition!! I liked it alright, good flick, I liked Barbie better. Even more exciting was visiting one of the most amazing toy stores in the world, Lobo’s Collectables.
This place rips and the staff are knowledgeable and kind. It’s huge and has rarities I still have only ever seen there in person. It’s a god damn museum, tbh, except everything is for sale!! Not cheap, but for sale!.
After a fun show in Melbourne, we played the Sydney Death Fest. Origin was also playing so it was great to have a day with our American brethren on different shores.
And then the last show in Canberra… it was over so quick! I mean, other than those long, long days sitting in an AirBNB in Perth. We had a killer time with all the Ozzies and Kiwis and I’ll always be glad to bring my bullshit to their lands.
Back in SLO, we said goodbye to Mr. Seeber, but hopefully not for long!! What a delightful fella and super fun to play with. Thank you, Gabe, for coming in very last minute and saving our hides by beating yours! Cheers.